For most parents, they know the day will come when they face empty nest syndrome, whether that be going off to university, going travelling or simply moving out into their own home. Regardless of why they're leaving, it's never easy to see your kids take that step of independence, especially for the 2 million single parents in the UK (that's 1 in 4 families).
While two-parent households may see children leaving home as an opportunity to reconnect and spend more time as a couple, single parents will likely face a different experience. As Dr Sheri Jacobson, Clinical Director of Harley Therapy says:
"Single parents can form intense bonds with their children as they can rely on each other more. And when the children leave home? There is not the support of a partner to share the ins and outs of this time of change with, and there is the experience of suddenly living completely alone, which can be startling."
However, it's naïve to assume this will automatically be time of sadness and loneliness, Dr Jacobson points out.
"There are many positives, though, to this stage of life. For some parents, who have felt it unfair to introduce another person to their child's life, it can be a time to fall in love again. For others, who have long put off dreams because single parenting left no time for them, it can be a time to reclaim your creativity, form a new career path, or take up a hobby long neglected."
Regardless of whether you're in a relationship, this is possibly the first time that your life isn't being dominated by your children. Many people, single or not, look at this as an opportunity to try new things; sports, travel, even volunteering. Everyone may know that volunteering is good for the soul, but a study by University of Southampton has found that it doesn't start to significantly improve one's mental wellbeing until the age of 40, making this the perfect time to start.
Here are Dr Jacobson's tips for any single parent worried about their child leaving:
1. Focus on the positive
Why not sit down and make a list of all the things that are good about this time of life? Include small things too, even if it's just that you don't have to worry about the milk being put back empty into the fridge or can sleep soundly on Saturday nights without being woken up at 2am with someone coming home (in fact you can now go out until 2am if you want). Read the list whenever you feel low, and continue to add to it.
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2. Don't expect an overnight change in attitude
Try to be patient with yourself and others as you adjust to a different lifestyle. Friends who saw you infrequently might be glad to see more of you now, but don't forget they have their own lives and might not be able to be available just because you now are. And if your friends still have children about and you feel left out, instead of brooding, consider forming new friendships. Platforms like meetup.com provide a way to connect to social groups for all interests and ages, and you can even start your own group if you have a particular hobby that you want to focus on.
3. Accept the changes in yourself
Be open to the fact that you might not be the same person you were before children. You might try things that you loved way back when only to discover that they no longer provide the same buzz. Yes, you enjoyed art lectures when young, but if now you suddenly find them boring, that's ok. Be honest with yourself, stay open minded, and treat it all like an adventure.
4. Embrace your emotions
Pay attention to your feelings. Yes, it's normal to feel lonely, lost at sea, and even to mourn the passing of life as a family. But if the feelings of loneliness and sadness continue after several weeks, if you find they are getting worse, if you are losing interest in your usual activities or you are not leaving the house as much as usual, it can be a sign depression is starting.
5. Don't be afraid to ask for help
If you do notice you are not yourself, reach out for support rather than letting the months pass. A trained coach, counsellor or psychotherapist can not only help you recognise and navigate how you feel, they can help you get clear on what would really make you happy now, then support you to set goals and move towards them. You might end up with a new life you didn't even realise was right for you.
6. Remember you're still a parent
Do be wary of piling too much of how you feel onto your child's shoulders. While it's important to be honest, complaining or giving them too much unnecessary detail is not the best idea. No matter how close they are to you, they are going through their own adjustment period. Feeling guilty that a parent isn't doing well without them is a considerable stress for a young person. Reach out for support elsewhere. If friends are not available, try your council or local branch of Mind to see if there are any support groups, or consider counselling.
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